there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
