I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
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I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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