im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
