If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
