my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
