Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
