Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
