My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
