They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
