I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
