"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
