I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
