I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
