Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
