did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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