On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
