my phone needs a breathalizer
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I feel like a drive thru vagina
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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