i already hear my dad disowning me
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
