high people should be assigned attendants
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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