she looked like the before picture.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
