I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
