If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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