So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
