yo everyone went to the hospital last night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
