final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
