jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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