Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess