My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.