hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.