So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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