it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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