Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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