i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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