I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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