he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
