my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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