I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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