Yo dont text me then not text me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
