I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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