I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
