I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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