That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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