I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
