I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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