home. puking in laundry basket.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
