My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
