just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
