walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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