I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
