a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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