apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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