so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
