apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
