Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My life is pants optional.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
