she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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