just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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