wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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