Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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