Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
