i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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