According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
