you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
