You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Drake has all the answers
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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