No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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